Why do some of us crave emotional connection, while others struggle to let anyone in? Connecting and bonding with others is a fundamental part of our evolutionary "need to belong", but how we form bonds is anything but universal. Much of it traces back to the profound, sometimes invisible, impact of our childhood experiences. How have those early years shaped the way you connect or struggle to connect today?

Understanding attachment:

Attachment can be understood as the emotional bond we form with others. According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, this ability to bond develops very early in life and often remains relatively stable throughout your life unless actively addressed or changed. 

‍

Our caregivers - often our parents – along with early relationships and life circumstances, have an enormous influence on how we interpret and experience relationships as adults. These early experiences shape our foundation and our understanding of close relationships and influence how we bond emotionally. 

‍

Although we all have the evolutionary "need to belong" to others, there are notable differences in how we bond emotionally with others. John Bowlby differentiated between four attachment styles which were identified through the famous Strange Situation experiment. These styles include one secure attachment and three insecure (avoidant, anxious, and disorganized) attachments.  

‍

Characteristics of each attachment style:

The different attachment styles emerged from the aforementioned Strange Situation Study by Mary Ainsworth, who aimed to investigate mother-child relationships. Using the Strange Situation Procedure, Ainsworth observed infants' reactions to specific scenarios and ultimately identified the four attachment styles. 

‍

The procedure was straightforward, yet groundbreaking, and became one of the most widely used instruments in developmental psychology. In the study, the infant and their mother were instructed to play together in a room. After a while, the parent left the room, leaving the child alone. The child’s reaction to the separation and reunion was observed, leading to the attachment classifications we know today: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized.

The secure attachment style is seen as the ideal to strive for in life. Developing a secure attachment style requires that caregivers consistently meet a child's physical and emotional needs throughout their formative years. Adults with a secure attachment style tend to exhibit a healthy balance between independence and reliability in their relationships. They are capable of building trust, forming deep emotional connections, and maintaining long-lasting, healthy relationships. 

The three insecure attachment styles all foster very different behaviors. 

The avoidant attachment style, also called dismissive attachment, often develops when caregivers meet a child's physical needs but neglect emotional needs. As a result, avoidant person might come across overly self-sufficient and rarely seek emotional support from others. In relationships, an avoidant partner may be emotionally unavailable and have trouble trusting their partner. They don’t want to depend on others and don’t want others to depend on them. They fear vulnerability and deep emotional connection, and often avoid these factors to protect themselves from potential discomfort.

An anxious attachment style, also called preoccupied attachment, typically stems from inconsistent caregiving during their childhood, where emotional and physical needs were unpredictably met or neglected. In adulthood, this attachment style manifests as ambivalent: a strong need for closeness with an underlying distrust of the partner. Individuals may feel plagued by a constant fear of abandonment and seek constant reassurance that they will not be left alone.

The disorganized or fearful attachment is often the result of a difficult childhood marked by unpredictable caregiving and, in many cases, traumatic events. Adults with disorganized/fearful attachment styles often struggle with psychological issues that prevent them from developing healthy and close relationships in adulthood. 

However, it’s important to acknowledge that attachment styles exist on a spectrum, meaning that they can vary widely in how they manifest in each individual. No two people will express an attachment style in exactly the same way. Identifying an attachment style can provide valuable insights, but it's important to remember that it can oversimplify the complexity of interpersonal relationships.

How do they influence your day to day life? And when to worry about it? 

Attachment styles not only influence romantic relationships, but also the way you interact with friends, colleagues, and family. They affect how you perceive others, but also on how they perceive you. Your communication with others and the quality of your relationships can also be affected by your attachment styles as well.

While some attachment styles are more adaptive, others can be more maladaptive, requiring greater attention. These styles can lead to emotionally or mentally harmful behaviors that affect both you and those around you. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in understanding their impact on your life.

‍

What can we do about maladaptive attachment styles 

Attachment styles are a fluid concept. It is rare for someone to align entirely with a single style. Many people experience behavioral patterns that may feel uncomfortable or disruptive at times. Thankfully, these patterns are not static. Over time, and especially through positive and healthy relationship experiences, individuals tend to explore different facets of themselves and can evolve toward more secure relationship patterns.

‍

The first step in overcoming attachment issues is developing an awareness of your own attachment style. Reflect on your childhood and past relationships to identify recurring behaviors or issues. Understanding the roots of your behaviors and recognizing your triggers is critical to facilitating change. This self-reflection can clarify why you react in certain ways, especially during conflict, which is a natural part of any relationship. Remember that differing values and opinions don't necessarily indicate dysfunction; in fact, they can contribute to deeper understanding if navigated skillfully.

‍

If you notice recurring thoughts or behaviors associated with any of the three insecure attachment styles, address these issues proactively. Communication can help you to overcome attachment issues. This might mean being transparent about your needs or seeking reassurance if you have an anxious attachment style, or requesting space for processing if you exhibit avoidant tendencies. Everyone should feel safe expressing their needs, desires, and concerns in a relationship without fearing judgment or backlash. 

‍

Seeking professional help can also be a beneficial step on this journey. Therapists can provide guidance and create an environment where you can safely explore your vulnerabilities. It's important to remember that you're not alone in these struggles, and asking for help is a sign of strength.

‍

Left unaddressed, maladaptive attachment styles can contribute to more significant psychological challenges, ultimately affecting your mental health and relationships. Remember that change is gradual. Unlearning old patterns and developing more secure attachments takes time, patience, and consistency.

‍

Sources:  

Cleveland Clinic. (n.d.). Attachment theory and attachment styles. Cleveland Clinic. Retrieved December 3, 2024, from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles

Attachment Project. (n.d.). The four attachment styles and how they impact your relationships. Retrieved December 3, 2024, from https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Van Rosmalen, L., Van der Veer, R., & Van der Horst, F. (2015). Ainsworth's strange situation procedure: The origin of an instrument. Journal of the History of the Behavioral Sciences, 51(3), 261-284. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1002/jhbs.21729

‍