We all want to belong - to find a place where we feel safe and connected to others. To be with people who make us feel accepted and like we are part of something and someone. But it's not so easy to find that "special" place and feel like we belong. So in order to fit in, we might instead fall into the habit of "pleasing-people”.

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What is "people-pleasing"?

The term “people-pleasing” refers to the act of consistently putting others’ needs ahead of your own, often at the expense of your well-being. While the desire to be liked and accepted is perfectly normal, an excessive tendency to please others can impact your emotional and physical well-being (Smyth, 2020).

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The roots of people-pleasing

People-pleasing is often driven by a deep-seated fear of rejection or conflict. It might stem from childhood trauma, being raised in an environment where love and approval were conditional, and learning to prioritize the needs and wants of others in order to gain acceptance and avoid rejection or punishment. People-pleasing tendencies can also result from low self-esteem and seeking validation from others, hoping to receive positive feedback that compensates for an internal sense of inadequacy. Pleasing others can also come from a fear of conflict; it can help to avoid conflict and confrontation. There might also be social reasons, such as growing up in a culture that emphasizes collectivism, harmony, and selflessness. There are various reasons why individuals can have people-pleasing tendencies (Shetty, 2023).

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How people-pleasing can affect us

While we all want to treat the people around us well, people pleasers tend to go above and beyond to make sure everyone around them is happy. And sometimes that can lead them to agree to things they don't want to do, to suppress their own opinions, and to sacrifice their own interests - all to gain the approval of others. They might also find themselves emotionally drained because they are constantly trying to meet the expectations of others. In the process, they might begin to lose themselves - their own desires, values, and passions - because they are too busy trying to accommodate everyone else. It could also negatively affect their relationships, because when you're not being true to yourself, your relationships can lack depth and real connection.

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How do you shake off that people-pleasing behavior?

The first step is to become aware and recognize that you're trying to please people with your behavior. There may have been a point of realization, such as wondering why it feels like you're constantly giving but not getting the same in return, or feeling resentful of yourself for not being able to say "no." And it's a big step to have noticed the behavior you're exhibiting. Continue to pay attention to your motivations and the situations that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies. Over time, you'll learn to understand that you can't please everyone all the time. It's important to accept that occasionally disappointing others is inevitable and a part of everyone's life.

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Learn to set boundaries. In the beginning, you might feel anxious or afraid that people will abandon you or start disliking you once you start saying "no" and stop accommodating everyone and everything, but the truth is that people in healthy relationships understand that you cannot accommodate each other all the time and meet each other's every need. So start practicing saying "no" in situations where you'd normally say "yes" out of obligation, and work your way up. Setting boundaries is critical to protecting your time and energy. Remember, saying "no" to others means saying "yes" to yourself or to things you really want to do.

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You might feel a little lost in the beginning because you're so used to meeting everyone else's needs but your own. So use this time to rediscover yourself. Make time for activities that nourish you - whether it's reading a book, trying new things, choosing what to have for dinner, or anything that allows you to get to know yourself a little better. It's also important to communicate and be honest about your needs and feelings. You don't have to pretend to be okay with everything or show people only your best side. Clarify what is important to you and make decisions based on your own values and priorities, not on the desire to make others happy, and you may be surprised at how much understanding you receive from others.

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Don't be afraid to open up about your discovery of people-pleasing behavior. It's always comforting to share your struggles with others, and you might find that others are struggling with similar issues. You could also consider talking to a therapist or joining a support group where you can explore your people-pleasing behaviors in a safe, non-judgmental environment. Professional counseling can provide tools and strategies to help you manage these changes effectively.

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Breaking free from the shackles of people-pleasing is not an overnight transformation. It takes conscious effort and a willingness to embrace discomfort. After all, living your life as your authentic self is what will make you truly happy - not a version molded by the expectations of others. So let today be the day you start putting yourself first.

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Sources:

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Shetty, J. (2023, September 18). Jay Shetty ON 7 Signs You’re A People Pleaser | Blog | Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. https://www.jayshetty.me/blog/jay-shetty-on-7-signs-youre-a-people-pleaser

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Smyth, T. (2020, March 30). What Is People-Pleasing? | Psychology Today. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-with-finesse/202003/what-is-people-pleasing

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