One comment was thrown at you. And this unpleasant feeling of hurt, mixed with self-defense, starts rising in your chest. The words sting a little, and it feels very much like a rejection; that you haven't lived up to the expectations. Criticism never feels nice. Yet, it’s something we all experience at least once in our lives and is nothing we can simply avoid. 

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Why are there people who seem to always criticize everyone and everything?

When you find someone overly critical, it is often not about you but about themselves. They might have low self-esteem and are trying to cover it up by being critical of other people and gaining a sense of superiority. The things they criticize may be related to their insecurities, so they might criticize things they are afraid of in order to feel more in control and to divert attention from their own problems and shortcomings. Another possibility is that they might also have a perfectionist tendency, which makes them overly critical because they focus on imperfections and shortcomings. The roots of being highly critical can also come from growing up in a highly critical environment and the adaptation of this behavior (Berglas, 2014). 

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Positive and negative criticism: 

Not all criticism is bad. Criticism can come from a place of intention for improvement. When it does, it's called constructive criticism, and it's usually specific, actionable, and often accompanied by suggestions. And it's delivered with respect and empathy (Stringer, 2021).

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Negative criticism, on the other hand, often feels more like a personal attack aimed at undermining or belittling your behavior or efforts. The criticism in these situations tends to be vague, personal, dismissive, and lacking in actionable advice (Neoh et al., 2022).  

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Nevertheless, criticism can often feel like rejection. In fact, research has shown that people remember negative emotions more clearly, including negative criticism. They tend to stick with us more than praise. So it's natural to dwell longer on negative criticism; most people do (Baumeister et al., 2001). 

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How to deal with criticism?

You can't control people's reactions and words, but you can control how you respond to them, how close you allow them to affect us, and what you do with the criticism. Some people may become very quiet and insecure and start apologizing when faced with criticism, while others may become defensive and upset. Everyone reacts differently to criticism. This is because criticism can be associated with different emotions, such as guilt if you've actually done something wrong or shame if your insecurities are being called out. 

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Essentially, it's important for you to be aware of which flaws you're comfortable talking about and which you'd rather hide. Because if it's something you're insecure about that's being pointed out, you're more likely to react strongly because you're aware of that imperfection of yours, and you might react more collectedly if it's something you're okay with and more willing to change about yourself. 

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But it's important to stop and take a step back before you react emotionally. This doesn't mean you’re not allowed to feel angry, offended, or hurt, but slowing down will make it easier for you to react and allow logic to take over. Think about what the other person has pointed out. First, consider whether the criticism reflects reality; is there some truth in what they're saying or not? What might be their intention behind their words? Are you being unfairly criticized? 

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Depending on the situation, your response may be different:

• You might want to express your feelings and tell them how the criticism made you feel and why, to open up the conversation, which also doesn’t have to be right away but with some time apart to sit with your feelings.

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• You can also ask them to clarify what they said and why they feel that way to understand their perspective. The feedback you have received may not be about you having done something wrong; it may just be a difference of opinion or interpretation. 

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• If you feel that the other person is rooting for you to fail or is attacking you for no reason, you can choose to clarify yourself, your decisions, or your actions and make it clear that their criticism is not valid. 

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• Of course, there is also criticism that you can choose not to discuss by saying that you heard it but do not want to talk about it further. This is especially helpful if you have already set boundaries, but the person continues to be critical.

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In the case of constructive criticism, or if you've done something wrong, it's healthy to take ownership and look at it as an opportunity for self-improvement. You may want to reflect on the feedback and consider what valuable insights you can gain from it. 

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We all have imperfections. No one is perfect, and there are things we all need to work on, and this also includes being pointed out in case we did or said something wrong. But not all criticism is valid, and over time, you'll learn how to handle it better.

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Sources: 

Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Bad is Stronger than Good. Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 323–370. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.4.323

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Berglas, S. (2014, March 6). Why Are Some People So Critical? Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2014/03/why-are-some-people-so-critical

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Neoh, M. J. Y., Teng, J. H., Lee, A., Setoh, P., Mulatti, C., & Esposito, G. (2022). Negative emotional reactions to criticism: Perceived criticism and source affects extent of hurt and relational distancing. PLoS ONE, 17(8), e0271869. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0271869

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Stringer, H. (2021, October 1). Constructive criticism that works. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/career-constructive-criticism

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